Divorce for any and every reason?
A Message from Matthew 19:1-12

A sermon delivered on January 12, 2003
Rev Dr H H Drake Williams, III
Minister of Spiritual Enrichment

I hope that you had a good Christmas and New Year.  We had a very enjoyable holiday season as a family.  With three small children, there were plenty of fun things to do.  Henry was really into the spirit of the holiday season.  Oftentimes we heard him humming Christmas carols or playing them on the piano.  Samuel, our 3 month old, of course, had no idea what happened this holiday.  He liked the lights on the tree and being held by various relatives.  Abby was fascinated with the paper.  There were pretty bows, and pretty packages.  She did not know what to do with the pretty paper, and she did not know why there was so much pretty paper.  Nonetheless, she enjoyed it anyway.

With the kids and their presents, came some fun time for me with their toys.  I am at the life stage now where the most enjoyable Christmas gifts are not my own, but my children's toys.  So, there were blocks to build with, a dollhouse to put together and play with, and then some cool computer games to play around with.  One of the most clever Christmas gifts that our children received was a pair of old jeans that my wife wrapped up and composed a poem about for Henry our 7 year old.  He opened the gift and was quite surprised to find these old jeans that he had played in for a number of years.  Inside, was this clever poem that she composed for the jeans to say to Henry.  The poem read, "You grew tall while I grew small, let's get some more but avoid the mall."  Nice to have a clever wife and nice to have a wife who wants to avoid the mall, as I wish to avoid it, too.

After all of this holiday celebrating was over though and it was time to go back to work, I began to think of this message on divorce that we as pastors had scheduled a number of months ago.  While Andrea and I have family members who have been divorced, neither of us has been divorced.  Thinking specifically about some of these most recent holiday memories that would have been altered if Andrea and I were divorced, though was arresting, and it caused me to remember some of the pain that so many have expressed to me concerning their divorces.

I want some of you who have felt this pain from divorce in your life to know that I feel for many of the stories that I have heard about divorces over the years.  I am not going to begin to pretend that I know the feelings found in a divorce.  I do hope, however, that you will indeed trust that our dear Savior Jesus Christ understands all pain.  The Bible says in Hebrews 4:15 that he "is able to sympathize with our weaknesses; for he has been tested in every respect as we are, yet without sin."  I can't identify fully with the pain of divorce that some of you feel, but I know that our Lord Jesus can fully understand so I once again trust you to him as the great comforter and lover of souls.

We are going to talk about divorce today from the Scriptures because as a church we ought to do that.  We know that God ordained marriage from the time of Genesis 2.  It is not the state or the government that instituted marriage.  Moreover, we know that there are all sorts of things being said in our world today about divorce.  We know that the statistics on divorce are high and that the Christian church at large is sending mixed messages at best.  As a church we need to discuss this topic periodically even if it is difficult at times.

Today, we are going to look at Jesus' words on divorce from Matthew 19, so I invite you to turn to that passage.  We will be looking at some broad parameters on marriage and divorce from this passage and a few others today.

I.  Two people become one in marriage.

Let us start with Jesus' words that he is having with the Jewish leaders of the day in Matthew 19.  We know that the Jewish leaders of Jesus' day were his chief sparring partners, especially this group of people called the Pharisees.  The Pharisees were quick to cite their own Jewish tradition, and they even knew their Old Testament well.  But at times their tradition interfered with what the Old Testament, the Bible of their day was actually saying.

We pick up their questions with Jesus in Matthew 19:3 which reads, "Some Pharisees came to him to test him.  They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"  Notice that this is the issue that is being addressed here from this passage.  Can divorce happen for "any and every reason?"  In other words, is any reason valid for issuing a divorce?

This may seem like an odd question to ask Jesus, but if we explore the cultural context of Jesus' day for a moment, it will not seem so odd.  Certainly the Greek and Roman influence in the Roman Empire led people to believe that divorce for any and every reason was a possibility.  In Greco-Roman times, all one needed to do was simply leave the house.  Simply, moving out was all that one needed to do to divorce.  One could wake up one morning, want a divorce, and simply leave.  There did not even need to be papers processed and certainly no appearance before a court of law was necessary. 

In the Jewish world of the day, there were a number of Jewish teachers of the day, who were debating the validities of divorce as well.  Many within the Jewish community were supporting divorce for any and every reason.  The Jewish historian Josephus writes that a husband could divorce a wife for being displeased with her behavior.  Maybe he did not like the way that she looked one day;  maybe he did not like the way that she served the family meal;  or maybe she had not taken care of the family goat or camel properly.  From this Jewish historian, it is clear that a man may divorce his wife for any reason.  It was reciprocal, though.  A woman could divorce her husband for any reason. The Jewish allegorist Philo says in his writing that a woman may part from her husband for any cause whatever.  Divorce for any reason was possible within the Jewish context of the time.  Divorce for any reason was validated by the Greco-Roman practice of the time.  Thus, it is not odd that Jesus would be asked whether he endorsed divorce "for any reason."

What is striking, though, is his answer that differs substantially from the common opinions of his time.  Jesus says in Matthew 19:4 the following, "Haven't you read that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female and said for this reason a man will leave his father and his mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh?  So they are no longer two, but one."  What does Jesus say?  He answers with Scripture, quoting, the book of Genesis, the book that we have considered for the last year.  In fact, we even studied Genesis 2 on this same Sunday a year ago.  From Jesus' perspective when we think of marriage and divorce, we should be considering it not in terms of anything new, but rather in terms of what the Scriptures have always said.  And what has the Scripture said on the matter?  Two people are no longer two but have been merged together into one. 

This reveals the first basic truth to marriage and also divorce.  When we marry, two people become one.  Thus, Jesus can naturally conclude in Matthew 19:6, "Therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate."  It is a phrase that many of us have heard at our marriages, "What God has joined together, let no man rend asunder."  That phrase comes from Jesus' words here in Matthew 19.  Thus we can clearly summarize what has been said from Matthew 19 so far.  Jesus is saying avoid divorce because two people become one within marriage.

Thinking of this phrase, the two become one, reminded me of my chemistry days.  Before I began studying for the ministry, I found myself intensely interested in chemistry.  I was fascinated with the changes and reactions that occurred to different chemicals.  From the very earliest times of learning about chemistry, we were taught that there is a great difference between something changing states and something combining with something else.  We are all familiar with how a substance like water can change states.  It can be cooled and become ice or it can be heated and become steam.  Changing the temperature changes the way H₂0, water, is found.  It changes states.  The water itself does not change;  it is simply found in a different form. 

This is very different from two substances combining.  When two things combine, they give up their former individual identities and become something else.  For example, hydrogen and chlorine are both gases by themselves.  Combined together they become hydrochloric acid, a highly corrosive liquid.  This is very drastic change.  The two together are very different from when they were separate. 

The union between two substances can even be very dramatic.  Some of you may have seen a dramatic combination between pure sodium and water.  It was one of the first really dramatic reactions that I remember seeing in a chemistry class.  Our teacher filled a large beaker with water and then took a tiny bit of pure sodium that was about the size of a fingernail.  He then put on this full face shield which I never saw him wear before, put on gloves, and then he motioned to us as eighth graders to move to the back of the room.  He then tossed this small piece of sodium into this container of water.  What do you think happened next?  A violent combination took place.  There were flames, and there was steam rising to the ceiling, and there were a lot of wide-eyed eighth graders, unable to believe what it was that we had just seen.  What had happened?  Water had combined with sodium producing sodium hydroxide and excess hydrogen.  That excess hydrogen had ignited and was burning off. I think in the following class period; our instructor's beaker even broke when he tossed the sodium into the beaker, which produced a lot of good stories for us as eight graders.

Two substances had become one.  It was much different than water becoming ice or steam.  Liquid water could become ice or steam again, but there was very little chance of sodium hydroxide reverting back to pure sodium and water.  It would be quite difficult and unnatural for this new compound to revert to the former state.

Jesus is telling us in Matthew 19 (which takes its support from Genesis 2) that when we marry, two become one, like two substances combining together.  Two change into one.  It is quite difficult, unnatural, and sometimes nearly impossible to revert back to the former state.  Much of our world, however, is telling us the opposite.  Our world is saying that in marriage, that people simply change states, but the person within the marriage largely remains the same.  The world says another person was added to your life when you marry, but each person is still the same.  You can just separate and go back to your own lifestyle and be the same person.  This, however, is not the case from Genesis or from Jesus' perspective.  Two become one.  It is very difficult, unnatural, and harmful for God's people to pursue divorce "for any reason" because the two have become one.  Marriage dramatically changes a person.

It is likely many of us have seen marriages where two become one.  Many of us who have watched marriages, especially marriages that have existed for a number of years, know how two people can be bonded together as one.  Many of us know couples where the husband starts a sentence and the wife will finish it.  Many of you may know the routine of your spouse where they are in the house and what they are doing even though you are at the other end of the house and haven't seen each other in hours.  I even know of couples that were very difficult to play a card game like bridge.  The husband and wife could look across the table at each other and instinctively know what was in each other's hands, even though they were never displaying their cards.  It is a dynamic that is found in marriage, two people becoming one.

Breaking that synergy, that union and that togetherness is to be avoided as the general rule of thumb according to Jesus. Divorce for any and every reason is not what Jesus would want his people to do.  As Jesus has said in Matthew 19:6, "What God has joined together, let man not separate."

II.  One can become two from the Scriptures under certain guidelines.

Yet, the Bible does give us some reasons by which a divorce is possible.  There are three that I would like to cover today.  There are possibly others that can be inferred, but these are the clearest from Scripture.  One of the clear parameters is found in Matthew 19.  The Pharisees to whom Jesus was speaking in Matthew 19 knew this and said the following in Matthew 19:7, "'Why then,' they asked, 'did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?'"  Here they are referring to Deuteronomy 24:1 where in this book Moses appears to say that a man can write up a certificate of divorce and send his wife away.  These Pharisees were smart in that they knew part of the Scripture, but Jesus is going to show them that they did not know it in total.  In Matthew 19:8-9 he counters saying, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. [a bad condition to be in]  But it was not this way from the beginning.  He then goes on to share how it is only "for marital unfaithfulness" that one is allowed to divorce.  The NIV version which we are using says "marital unfaithfulness."  Other versions interpret this better when they say "sexual immorality or sexual sin."  In other words, when someone sins sexually giving what is to be their sexual gift to someone outside the marriage boundaries, then divorce is permitted according to Jesus.  This is one reason why the one can become two. 

A second reason is found in Paul's writing in 1 Corinthians 7.  This chapter is filled with parameters for family living.  We may pick up this text in a few weeks time.  Here let me mention a reason for divorce from 1 Corinthians 7:15-16.  The verses read in reference to marriage, "But if the unbeliever leaves (i.e., the marriage), let him do so.  A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances;  God has called us to live in peace."  What is being discussed here?  It is the situation of a husband or a wife who has been married to someone who is not a Christian believer.  This unbelieving spouse decides to pick up and leave;  it is then permitted for that husband or wife to let that spouse go.  The statement by Paul indicates that divorce is allowable for a Christian, but is not to be initiated by the Christian.

Notice that Jesus or Paul does not command divorce in either situation here.  Divorce is permitted according to both, but it is not commanded.  Divorce is given as an option, but someone is not commanded to divorce his or her spouse due to marital unfaithfulness or even for desertion.  Indeed, there are many wonderful stories where Christians have decided not to divorce and have lovingly and with much patience and longsuffering waited for their spouse to return to them.  I have read of a number of very moving stories in the past 10 years where a husband or a wife has been able to find forgiveness for a straying spouse, and it has done much good.  Perhaps, you too may even know of a number of marvelous stories where a husband or a wife found it in himself or herself to forgive after they had been sinned against sexually. 

The best example of a faithful spouse in Scripture is found in the book of Hosea.  Hosea is an Old Testament prophet, but unfortunately we read little about him in many church circles.  The book of Hosea, however, shows how Hosea the righteous and true prophet of God repeatedly forgave the ways of Gomer his wife.  Hard to imagine a wife named Gomer, isn't it?  It's a pretty tough name to have.  Perhaps some of you are saying, therein lies the problem.  The entire book of Hosea, however, is about Hosea's dealings with his bride Gomer who was faithless and went astray.  It witnesses to us of a loving and faithful and longsuffering God who gives of himself to his people.  The example of Hosea is one story of many that would encourage us to consider enduring even with a spouse who has caused us great pain.

There is one other reason that can be implied for obtaining a divorce from the Scriptures.  This is the issue of abuse and great physical harm.  This can be derived from a text like 1 Corinthians 7:32-34.  The passage reads, "I would like you to be free from concern.  An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs - how he can please the Lord.  But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world - how he can please his wife - and his interests are divided.  An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs:  Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit.  But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world - how she can please her husband."  What is this passage saying?  It clearly indicates that there are certain obligations that are a part of married life, such as looking out for the welfare of one's spouse.  The spouse is to be concerned about how they can please the other.  Here the issue is most likely physical needs.  Since 1 Corinthians 7 was written in a time of famine in the Corinthian church, it is likely that Paul had in mind that a husband or wife ought to naturally be providing the daily provisions of food, clothing, and shelter.  Physical neglect or physical abuse of a spouse would indicate that one was not willing to live in a marital relationship.  This would once again provide a provision for divorce.

Here I believe the Christian church, not necessarily our church, but the Christian church over the years has unfortunately not heard the pleas and cries of those in physical distress.  Here I am thinking of battered women (or for that matter, abused men) but especially women over the years.  The church unfortunately has kept Christians in terribly dangerous relationships where lives and health were put in danger.  If you find yourself physically endangered and neglected, please know that you will find a sympathetic ear with any of us as pastors, and we will find you help.  Please seek help and do not clam up if you find yourself in an abusive relationship.

These are the clearest possibilities for divorce within the Scripture - sexual immorality, desertion by a nonbeliever, and physical abuse.  Please speak with one of the pastors if you are wondering about your situation. I can say firmly from the time that I have had with Rev. Karen Gallagher and Rev. David McKinley, that they are excellent listeners.  I can assure you that we three are more than willing to take the time to listen to you.

III.  Reconciliation is what is to be pursued.

We have already explored that two become one in marriage.  We have also explored how it is difficult, unnatural, and harmful for God's people to pursue divorce for any reason when two have become one.  We have also seen a few possibilities where the one could become two again if there is sexual immorality, desertion, or physical abuse involved. There is one final thing that ought to be said this morning with regards to divorce.  I ought to address the starting point for Christians when two spouses are at odds.

If we marry as a church, which of course, we like to do, then the church should come from a point of keeping marriages together.  The fancy word for that is reconciliation.  It means making parties agree.  Most of us do something that involves reconciliation regularly.  At the end of each month, most of us receive a statement from the bank.  It contains the amount of money that has been deposited into our checking account.  It contains the amount of money that we have withdrawn from our checking account.  If we look after our finances regularly and properly, then we try and make the figures that the bank gave us agree with the amount of money that we have within our checking account.  Making things agree is what reconciliation is all about.

Making things agree is what the church is about, too.  When one party is offended, when one party would want to separate, when one party is wronged, reconciliation means we as a church need to try to make people agree.  Why is this a good starting point?  Very simply it is where God started with us.  We had offended a holy God, and it was Christ who reconciled us to God (i.e., made us agree with God).  Here I refer to our Scripture Lesson today from 2 Corinthians 5:18-19.  It is a passage that speaks of reconciliation.  The passage reads again, "All this comes from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation:  that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them.  And he has committed to us the ministry of reconciliation."  God chose to make things agree between him and us when things did not agree.  We had offended him, God had every reason to be wronged, but he chose to make things agree between him and us by sending his son.  Now, he too, as the passage says gives us the same type of ministry. And what type of ministry is it?  It is the ministry of reconciliation, of making two differing parties agree.  It may be a difficult place to begin, but this is the appropriate starting point for the church when there is marital discord.

Conclusion

We have discussed a lot today.  We have discussed that marriage is about the two becoming one - how two people with different needs and backgrounds actually become one in marriage.  It is not merely people changing states.  Rather, the marital union is a very strong bond that is formed because two become one.  It can cause a lot of personal harm if it is reversed.  That is why it is to be avoided if at all possible.  Yet, the Bible also states that under certain conditions such as sexual immorality, separation by a non-believer, and physical abuse that one is permitted, not commanded, to divorce.  We as Christians, though, ought to take the tact of reconciliation, trying to make parties agree, putting marriages together rather than letting them fall apart.

I mentioned that at the outset today I admitted that I do not understand every situation when marriages become troubled and dissolve.  Let me speak specifically to one group of people for a moment that could be carrying some remorse as a result of this morning.  If you have been divorced and now are remarried, please find forgiveness with the Lord.  God is great and forgiving if we come to him with a repentant heart.  1 John 1:9 says, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness."  Please trust him for forgiveness today.  Also, now, please commit to strengthening your new marriage.  Once again, if you would like to talk through the issue of forgiveness with a pastor, we would be more than willing to listen.

I realize today that I stand in front of you as a happily married young man.  I honestly feel that way;  I am not saying that for effect.  While in my late thirties, if the Lord gives me years, there are many great challenges to face that Andrea and I will need to work through together.  I wish that I could personally pass along years of sage advice from a marriage that is tested by the storms of life.

Of course, there are many marriages that have endured much and are great examples for us.  In closing, I wish to pass along some advice from a well-known Christian author whose marriage has stood the tests of time.  This author is J. R. R. Tolkein.  He is the author of the great fiction epic The Lord of the Rings as well as The Hobbit.  If you have ever read these volumes or seen the films, you know that he understood the full range of human emotions and understands people well.  His marriage stood the tests of time.  He was married at age 18.  He hardly had 2 pence to rub together.  Shortly after his marriage, he was taken off to France to fight in the bloodiest battle of the 1st World War, the Battle of the Somme.  His wife was left behind to wonder about her husband's well-being, and also to feel the pain of starvation from a German U-Boat blockade.  After returning from war, she struggled with chronic health problems.  These were some of the great hurdles that they faced.

J. R. R. Tolkein writes this to his son, Christopher Tolkein about marriage and why divorce for any matter should be avoided. He writes this at the time of his wife's great illness, one in which she was very ill for a number of years.

The essence of a fallen world is that the best cannot be attained by free enjoyment, or by what is called self-realization . . . but by denial and suffering.  Faithfulness in Christian marriage entails that: great mortification. . . No man, however, truly he loved his betrothed and bride as a young man, has lived faithful to her as a wife in mind and body without deliberate conscious exercise of the will, without self-denial.  Too few are told that - even those who are brought up in 'the Church.'  When the glamour wears off, or merely works a bit thin, they think that they have made a mistake, and the real soul mate is still to find. . . But the real soul mate is the one you are actually married to . . . Out of the darkness of my life, so much frustrated, I put before you the one great thing to love on earth:  The blessed sacrament [which is marriage] . . . There you will find romance, glory, honour, fidelity, and the true way of all your loves on earth and more than that . . . eternal endurance which every man's heart desires.

May we, too, revere this sacred union, turn to our God, and love and nourish our marriages and support others' marriages as well.  Amen.

A sermon delivered on January 12, 2003
Rev Dr H H Drake Williams, III
Minister of Spiritual Enrichment